Light
by Tanglepelt
Summary: "Lithuania knew that feeling this way would not bring anything good upon their already miserable lives, but for the moment, he pretended that he'd get a happy ending. That they'd get a happy ending." During one of their darkest days, Lithuania and Estonia realize their feelings for each other. EstLiet/LietEst, for APH Estonia Week.


**My entry for Day Three of APH Estonia week on tumblr. One of today's prompts was 'EstLiet', so I jumped at the chance to do it. (Though this is more like LietEst, maybe, XD)**

**This takes place during the Soviet Union era.**

**I wrote Eduard a little bit different than how I usually write him, so I hope he sounds all right...**

**I am also not used to writing shipping fics, so this is new to me. I hope I didn't fail too much at it...**

***Hetalia belongs to Hidekaz Himaruya.***

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**Light**

The Baltics' shared bed was strangely silent, tonight. There was no crying, no shifting positions, no attempted conversation. Because Latvia, the one who made the most noise, was gone. Sent to the minimally-heated basement for the night.

Lithuania tried to calm his stomach, but it didn't work. Eventually, he settled on ignoring it in favor of getting his breathing under control. But despite the fact that he could relax his breath easily, he was far from that state. _He didn't do anything wrong! _The brunet caught the sob in his throat, desperate to stay silent. _I can't let this affect me. I need to stay strong. For Eduard's sake. _He turned his head, making sure the younger boy was okay. The blond was silent, his body turned to the opposite direction.

Lithuania's heart broke for Estonia. He knew that the boy was with Latvia when Russia dragged him off, and he knew he was mentally beating himself up for it. "It's not your fault, Eduard."

"Please. Don't give me that, Toris." Estonia's voice was raspy, and he curled his body toward the wall. "I could have stopped him. Or went with them. But I didn't."

"There was nothing you could do."

"You're wrong! You weren't there!" the Finno-Ugric boy spat, turning to face Lithuania.

_Something is very wrong. _Estonia was the Baltic least prone to crying; hearing his voice crack was almost painful for the brunet.

"I broke some plates, too. But when Russia asked who did it, I froze!" Now, the taller boy was crying, his eyes reddening from the strain. "Latvia said something that made Russia even madder, and he assumed that Raivis broke everything. I should have told him what really happened. But I'm a coward."

"Eduard…" Lithuania wrapped his arms around the now-shivering boy, pulling him gently to his chest. "There is nothing you could have done. _Nothing. _Once Russia gets an idea in his head, he cannot be swayed, especially when it comes to 'punishments'."

"It's not fair!" The words were barely audible, and Lithuania realized that Estonia buried his face in his nightshirt. "I could hear things happening to Raivis down there while I cleaned the kitchen up. I don't know if it was a beating, a whipping, or something worse, but he was _screaming. _It was so loud. And then everything went silent." The blond removed his face from Lithuania's shirt and looked into the eldest Baltic's eyes. "That's what scared me the most. And now, he's alone down there. And you know Russia doesn't bandage our wounds; _we_ do! And since we're not there…" He let the end of his sentence trail off as another wave of sobs wracked his thin body. "He'll be sleeping in his own blood."

Lithuania held his friend tighter, trying to shield him from the horrors of the world. He was thinking the same thing about Latvia, but he wasn't about to voice it. "We need to sleep, Eduard. That way, we'll be up earlier, to see Raivis when he's dropped off in here. I'm sure he'll need to be cleaned and bandaged."

"I can't sleep, Toris! How can I, when one of my closest friends could be dying alone?"

"You don't think I know that? He's my friend, too!" Lithuania wasn't frustrated with Estonia, but with himself. "I'm sorry. This just wasn't supposed to happen! I was supposed to be the only one that went through this!"

"NO!" Estonia's voice grew stronger, though it fell to a lower tone after his outburst. "If that happened, he would destroy you. And I can't…I can't even think about what that would be like. I can barely stand to see you injured normally."

On the one hand, Lithuania was relieved that Estonia was finally letting out his emotions, but on the other hand, it must have been a dark day for him in order to reach this point. "I'm not gone yet, Eduard. And I never will be." Before his mind could process what his body was doing, he gently pressed his lips against his friend's. _What am I doing? _

Estonia stiffened, and Lithuania quickly removed his lips. "That was uncalled for. I'm sorry." The brunet felt beyond stupid, not to mention confused. _Why did I do that? _While he did not deny that he felt some sort of attachment to Estonia, he never considered how deep his feelings ran. _Maybe deeper than you thought. _He squeezed his eyes shut. _Stop it. _He hadn't been in a relationship since his brief time with America in the 1920s, and he wasn't sure if he wanted another one. Especially not with Estonia. _He could get hurt if we let this spark._

"I'm sorry," he repeated, though he wasn't sure if it was for Estonia's sake or his own.

Silence. He was met with silence. Lithuania felt the knots in his stomach tighten in anticipation. He ruined everything, hadn't he? He ruined their friendship. Except now… except now, Eduard wouldn't just be avoiding Russia; he'd be avoiding him, too.

_Russia. Oh God. What if he found out, somehow?_ _We'd be dead. Again and again. It was bad enough hiding from him about America… _The brunet completely let go of Estonia now, moving as far away from him as the bed allowed.

"Toris." At the mention of his name, Lithuania stiffened, expecting the worst. Instead, a pair of arms surrounded him, and he found his head in the crook of Estonia's neck. "It's okay."

After a few moments, Lithuania opened his eyes, his gaze meeting his friend's. "I really am sorry, Eduard. I didn't know what came over me, and I—"

"Shh." Estonia rubbed the older boy's perpetually-sore back, soothing it. "You didn't ruin anything, if that's what you were worried about." He moved his hands up, kneading the brunet's extremely-tense shoulders. "I was just…scared."

Lithuania turned away, ashamed.

"But not because of you," Estonia continued. "I was scared _for _you."

"What?" Lithuania was surprised, to say the least.

"I'm not naïve, Toris. I see the way Russia looks at you. The way he touches you. I know you're paying a heavy, heavy price for being the 'favorite'. It makes me sick!"

The Lithuanian's body stiffened. His hands shot out, tightly grabbing the back of Estonia's nightshirt until they shook. _No. He wasn't supposed to know that! _

"It's wrong, Toris. Not only is he being a hypocrite about these sorts of relationships, but he is also treating you like a possession! It…hurts. It hurts me to see you that way." He paused, gently brushing his lips against Lithuania's forehead. "That's why I flinched. Because as much as I'd love for us to go for it, to be together, imagine if Russia found out. He'd kill you, Toris. Or worse. To show that you were his and his alone. I…I've had feelings for you for a long time now. I just didn't want you to be punished for it!"

Lithuania was filled with mixed emotions. Happiness for his friendship not being ruined. Confusion for his feelings toward Estonia. And fear, with resentment. Because those two emotions ruled all in this turbulent household. _What am I going to do? What am I supposed to do?_

He was pulled from his thoughts when he felt Estonia gently weave a hand through his thick hair. "You are amazing, you know that?"

Lithuania shook his head, tears finally escaping his eyes. "No I'm not."

"You might not see it now, but trust me. You being here, talking to me, kissing me? That shows that you are not broken, not completely. And after what you went through, no, what you go through, that is no small feat." The blond's voice got softer. "You deserve so much better than what you get…"

Now crying harder, Lithuania embraced his friend tightly. Estonia pulled their one thin blanket around them before turning off their tiny lamp and wrapping his own arms around the brunet's shivering body.

No one spoke, the only sound being the eldest Baltic's quiet sobs. But when those finally quieted, Estonia finally loosened his grip. Lithuania was too exhausted from crying to speak again, so he focused on matching his breathing with the blond's.

For a moment, his worries evaporated. All that remained was a warmth in his heart, a warmth that made him curl further around Estonia. "I love you, Eduard." He finally stopped denying what his heart was trying to tell him all along, Russia be damned.

"I love you too." Though Lithuania couldn't see in the dark, he felt the taller boy's lips gently brush against his own.

It was at that moment that Lithuania realized that this was the first time in two decades that he had been willingly kissed by someone, not to mention initiated the action. He knew that feeling this way would not bring anything good upon their already miserable lives, but for the moment, he pretended that he'd get a happy ending. That they'd get a happy ending. He pretended that Raivis could have a childhood, and that he and Estonia would raise him without beatings or degradation. He knew it was only a dream. But for a moment, he let himself believe it.

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**I hope this wasn't too awful.**

**In this, I am still going by my headcanon that Eduard is asexual, but that doesn't mean he is not open to strictly romantic relationships. If I write a sequel to this, it will focus on Estonia, and how he's worried that Toris won't want to stay in the relationship because of it. **


End file.
